A Poem.

A History of Weather
by Billy Collins

It is the kind of spring morning -- candid sunlight
elucidating the air, a flower-ruffling-breeze--
that makes me want to begin a history of weather,
a ten-volume elegy for the atmospheres of the past,
the envelopes that have moved around the moving globe.

It will open by examining the cirrus clouds
that are now sweeping over this house into the next state,
and every chapter will step backwards in time
to illustrate the rain that fell on battlefields
and the winds that attended beheadings, coronations.

The snow flurries of Victorian London will be surveyed
along with the gales that blew off Renaissance caps.
The tornadoes of the Middle Ages will be explicated
and the long, overcast days of the Dark Ages.
There will be a section on the frozen nights of antiquity
and on the heat that shimmered in the deserts of the Bible.

The study will be hailed as ambitious and definitive,
for it will cover even the climate before the Flood
when showers moistened Eden and will conclude
with the mysteries of the weather before history
when unseen clouds drifted over the unpeopled world,
when not a soul lay in any of earth's meadows gazing up
at the passing of enormous faces and animal shapes,
his jacket bunched into a pillow, an open book on his chest.


I know it's not Spring, even though some days this winter, it feels like it. However, I really like this poem. It makes me think about history, and I like that. I italicized my favorite lines.

<3

Unconsciously Mindful.

I keep dreaming about this one person. For the past week, I've dreamt about him, yet during the day, I don't really think about him at all. And my dreams mix together with other dreams that don't relate to each other at all. But they are a continuing thing and I'm starting to wonder what is triggering all of this.


I can't really remember the dreams from more than a few days ago, but I remember that they included him. Two nights ago, I dreamt that I saw him working and when we made eye contact, he was like, "hey! how are you?!" and my immediate reaction was what any normal person would say back. His voice was different though, and it was so distinct in my dream. It's weird, but I love his voice, probably because it's not the voice I'd expect him to have. In the dream, though, it was so incredibly different and my mind focused on that for at least five minutes. Then the dream switched over to me and him in this large room, the only two people in the room, by the way. We were talking, laughing, and just catching up. Then, we decided to dance. It was fun and we continued to laugh and then a part of me realized how much of an asshole he had been to me, and I was about to confront him about that in my dream, but then I must have woken up or started dreaming about something else, because that's all I remember.

Last night, I dreamt that I saw him walking through some woods type place, it was him, but it also looked like someone else too. He had a kid, I remember, a little boy who looked to be about 2 years old. Someone asked him where his kids' mom was and he said Maryland in a happy sort of tone. They continued to walk and I remember him saying that he felt like he was at home. He looked so completely content and happy with his life, it was too real. Then, the dream switched over to me and his kid, and him camping together. He put his kid down to bed, and he and I sat right outside of the tent. I remember feeling sort of awkward in the dream, because we weren't talking. From far away, I could see a beautiful sunset and people playing by the fire and I contemplated getting my camera out of the tent to take some pictures, but didn't because I was afraid he'd go somewhere if I did. We continued to stay there without talking and then he went into the woods for a minute and I decided to go too, but in a completely opposite direction. When I came back, he was standing, looking towards the water, eating cereal. I decided to go over by the tent, and I don't know if we started talking or not, but we both laid down under the stars, outside of the tent. We looked over at each other and smiled a really genuine smile and I felt like things were good again. I then sort of remember him giving me a friendly kiss on the cheek and then closing my eyes for a moment. After that, my dream quickly shifted over to something completely different....I was in a car or something moving at a quick pace, I saw a friend from high school who also happened to be my friend's ex. I tried to talk to him for a minute and grab his hand, we told each other that we hadn't seen each other in forever and then I gave him a kiss on the cheek. My friend (his ex) drove by in a small, old, orange car, with a confused look on her face. She turned into another friend of mine quickly after that, then I remember walking over to both of them, and having brunch with all the girls from my high school graduating class. I started talking about how I was a Vegetarian and I couldn't eat anything they were serving for lunch, we all laughed, then I think I woke up.


Weird dream, I know. Even weirder that I can explain it in so much detail. I've been told a lot of things about dreams, how sometimes things you see or do during the day will appear in your dream, or you'll dream about something you've been wanting. Sometimes, certain things in your dreams act as symbols to something else. I don't really know what to think of these dreams, though, because they are so strange to me. I'd like to think that they're a foreshadowing to something good that will happen in the future, but I also feel like they're just dreams, that they don't mean much at all. Maybe I'll have another dream similar to this tonight, maybe they'll all link together and I'll have some clarity, or maybe they won't. Guess I'll find out soon enough.

Wishful Thinker.

I used to fantasize about how my life would turn out. Being a very visual person, I'd get these images in my head that were so real, it was almost weird.

In 7th grade, I was obsessed with a band called O*Town....don't laugh. I know. Anyways, my favorite band member was Ashley Angel. I loved everything about him, and I'd often draw pictures of him, as any 13 year-old girl would do. I'd fantasize how we'd be married and how we'd drive around town together in his red convertible. We'd pick up my siblings from school and everyone would stare, in awe of both of us.

That phase lasted awhile, but when I got to high school, I moved on. I'd still fantasized about how I would marry someone famous like Ryan Gosling or Adam Brody and live happily in a huge mansion in New York or LA. I'd think of how I would attend red carpet events and own my own shop that would have customers like Rachel McAdams and the Olsen twins. It was such a wonderful waste of my time.

The summer going into 10th grade, I started getting really into watching baseball. My dad has always loved the Braves and so I decided that I'd be like him and get really into the game. Coincidentally, the year I got into the game was the same season Jeff Francoeur came into play. At the time, Jeff was a big shot. He could throw a ball from outfield to home plate in time to get the other team out. He was amazing at baseball and I also happened to find him quite attractive. This made my reason for keeping up with the game even greater. I imagined marrying him and being able to go to all the games free. It was great, haha. The Braves had a really good season that year, but after that, they sort of went downhill, and so did my interest in keeping up with them.

As I got older, my fantasies became less and less. I didn't really have a reason to continue with them, because nothing I ever fantasized about was anything that would come anywhere near close to fruition, and I never got what I wanted...with anything. Plus, they were all pretty ridiculous.

It's weird if you think about life on a whole. Reality can be so bad that we create these alternate mindsets so we can have hope for the future. We use these thoughts as quick highs. Something makes us mad or sad or frustrated, so we leave reality for a moment, so we can feel something better for awhile. And so you think, yeah, dreams are dreams for a reason and so are fantasies. So why do we do it? In knowing that they don't necessarily come true, why do we put our emotions on the line for this quick burst of happiness? Shouldn't we just deal with reality as it is?

A part of me wants to say that they are a waste of time because I have started to disregard my dreams lately. They just make you even more vulnerable and in turn, you get hurt more. But then if I think about it, I don't think I could be happy if I didn't have some sort of ridiculous dream to get me through the day. I'm so used to not getting what I want, that it doesn't even matter anymore. To me now, fantasies and dreams are just fun things to think and laugh about. You get hooked on them for awhile, then you move on. It's just sorta how life is, I think.

Maybe it's just me, though. Maybe I'm just a wishful thinker.

Running on Repeat.

My days are perpetual. I follow generally the same schedule every day. I wake up, go to class, eat, go to the studio, go to class again, and then go back to my dorm or go to the gym. And on the weekends, it's not much different. My days are usually spent in the studio and my nights are often consumed with parties. It's not bad, doing that. It's better than what I was doing the beginning of the year when I spent the majority of my time in my dorm. In that sense, it's a lot better. But this is all just getting a little old.

Maybe it's because finals are this week and I'm just really anxious. Maybe all I need is Winter break and when I come back, I'll feel differently. Or maybe, I need to make some changes. My friend, Molly, told me about one of her assignments for her Surface class. Each student had to demonstrate to the class something they were good at. And even though I'm not in her class, I couldn't help but think, like...fuck. What would I have done if that were me? I don't have any special talents that I could show to a bunch of people.

I thought about that a lot.

I thought about knitting....for a second. Then, I realized I probably don't remember how to knit anymore, plus I wasn't too good at it to begin with. I can't play an instrument. I suck at card games and am in no ways, a magician. I could cook? But I'm not really good at that either. I was at a loss.

After really thinking about it, I realized that the only thing I was good at, was art. And it's not like I could show that to the class because, duh...everyone in AFO is good at art, that's why we're all here.

But anyways, with the near year comes the traditional "New Year's Resolution." You know, those things people promise to do but never follow through with. Well, for 2009, I have decided that mine will be to find a hobby, start doing something accountable for. So that if I do get Molly's teacher for Surface, I will have something to show.

Whether or not this will actually work fully depends on what sort of hobby I try and take up. Who knows what'll happen, but I'm definitely going to make an effort.

Tempo.

In this daze, lay here with me. The music plays on repeat and I only hear sound. That is enough. Time has no place here. I shall forget its meaning. We don't need it. No, we won't worry anymore. Lets play pretend. In a magical place, we can stay and Time is our enemy. Take a hit, we'll throw you away.

I won't look to you anymore. No, you can go bother someone else. I'll keep what I know and what I know is that I don't care about what you stand for. Because you're just something that makes me worry. And in that, I waste away even more. So, I'll lay here now. In my state of mind, I'll close my eyes, forget about you. No room to take advantage.

Just lay with me now. Forget with me and we'll be okay. Don't care with me and we'll feel better. Time won't control how we live. Turn up the music, we'll drown out the nagging Time as it lingers. Drown out all of this and let's not worry together.



Time has never been a friend of mine.

Nom.

September 21, 2008.

That was the day I made the decision to become a Vegetarian. It is probably one of the best decisions I have ever made, not to mention, the quickest. I had contemplated it a lot in the past year, but could never commit. For the longest time, chicken fingers and Chinese food were my weakness.

But, that Sunday night I had dinner at IPanema with a Vegan. Needless to say, it did not take him long to convince me that being a Vegetarian wouldn't be that difficult and that I should definitely do it. The Vegetarian dinner I had was good, so I figured, why not?

The first few weeks after that, when my family found out that I was a Vegetarian, were full of sarcastic remarks and criticisms. My parents challenged the reason for me going Veg and when I told them about the health benefits, they just disregarded them like they were completely absurd. The best comment of all, though, was when they said this:

"We knew you were gonna start being weird once you got to VCU."

...Really? Wow. Thanks, Mom and Dad.

Not that I would ever revert back to eating meat, but that comment just made me even more motivated to do this right and prove them wrong.

66 days have passed and I am still a Vegetarian. Still going strong. Don't miss meat at all. If it weren't for ice cream and my Italian grandma's home-made bread, I'd probably become Vegan.

But anyways, Thanksgiving is Thursday. First Thanksgiving where I won't be able to eat half the food on the table. So stoked about it. I thought about getting one of those obnoxious "Meat Is Murder" tees and wearing it to Thanksgiving dinner, but decided against it because a. my grandmother would probably have a heart attack and b. I have absolutely no cash.

Maybe next year, though.

Existing.

"Keep calm and carry on."

As I was looking at all of the art at the Donations For Creations event on Saturday, a print with these words on it caught my eye. I think that this was exactly what I needed to see. I've kept this phrase in my mind since then just hoping that I can live by those words.

There are so many things in my life right now that I am not happy with. I've never really had the comfort of being fully content with myself. I'm not going to go into everything, I'd be here for a whole fucking day if I did. And also, I just don't want to be a little bitch and complain about it. I've done that too much and I feel like that gets you nowhere.

I just want to be happy. I want clarity. How to really come about that, however, is still unknown to me. I'm trying to forget about the things that make me unhappy, especially the things that have made me feel depressed lately.

I can't get contained in all of this, though. So, I'll keep this in my mind.

Keep calm and carry on.
Keep calm and carry on.
Keep calm and carry on.

It'll all soon be okay.

Times Are Changing.

I started my first blog about a year ago one morning when I was bored and had nothing to do. I was still in high school then, so most of my posts were just me complaining about my life and trying to sound like I knew what I was talking about.

A lot has changed since then. I'm not at all the person I used to be, and for that, I am grateful. I've grown a lot. While I'm more cautious in a sense, I am also more careless. One thing I've learned in college is that you can't be so uptight. After all, college is about finding yourself, right? How am I gonna do that if I don't bend the rules just a little bit?

It would be impossible.

Today in Focused Inquiry, we talked about our personal essays we have to write for our portfolio. Our subject matter is basically how we've grown over the course of the semester. All I could think to write is how I changed from being a little Catholic school girl to whatever I am now. We'll see how that goes.