It's All Conceptual.

First off it's 3:33, so make a wish.

I was going to write about something completely different, but I looked over at the clock and figured that this sort of post would suffice for the day.

This is the type of person I am. Though at times, I can be very pessimistic, I believe in things like karma and wishing when the clock strikes a certain time. I relish in thinking of situations that may come in the future and I enjoy thinking of past events.  

And why do I do this? Deep down, I know that wishing can only get you so far. It's not like I have a good reason to continue to wish for things. And if it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. Often, my dreams are much nicer than reality, so I sleep the day away to avoid the inevitable. 

Before I go on, when it comes to my blog, the posts I have are really just ways for me to vent and get my thoughts out in the open. Because while I like talking to people about what's going on in my life, I can't tell you everything in all honesty. I would just feel far too uncomfortable. So, please don't think I'm looking for your pity or anything remotely close to that. I'm simply just writing to write. 

So, back to the whole superstitions thing. I guess it just goes back to the fact that I like to tell myself that everything happens for a reason. I don't get a job because I'm not supposed to work there, I stop talking to this person because we aren't supposed to be friends anymore, I didn't get an A in Space because I'll be okay regardless. I doubt so many things in my life, that I feel like I do this to counteract each doubt I have. To make myself be okay with the things that occur in my life. 

I just wish I didn't care. I want to be myself minus all of my worries and fears, minus everything that holds me back from being free. I see these people who truly don't give a fuck about what others think of them and don't view anything as a mistake or something to regret. 

I'm sitting at my desk right now, in my dorm. As I'm finishing this post, I'm thinking about how much I don't really want anyone to read this. It's a poorly written post and I'm just not feeling it. But I'm going to post it anyways.

And no, it's not because I'm trying to come across as being the type that doesn't care what you think about me. Because I do, and you all know that. Maybe I'm just okay with it, though. I care that you might find this pointless or that you don't like me or that you do like me. 

But as I said, I write simply just to write and that is all. 

Random, Like My Thoughts....

Like my life.

It seems like I haven't updated this in forever, but I just don't really know what to write about anymore. 

This post is about nothing and maybe everything as well. It depends on how you want to look at it, I guess. 

I skipped Art History this morning. I woke up at 7:30 then again at 8:33 and lastly at 8:50 am. My class didn't start until 10, but I decided as soon as I got up that I wasn't going to make the effort to go. It's a 75 minute class, and this morning, I just didn't have enough energy to sit through it without falling asleep. Plus, attendance has no effect on my grade this semester. 

In the past 10 days, I have gone out a total of six times. SIX. Since when do I party this much? I don't even think Blair and Serena party this much. I should slow down; beer's not worth the calories and doesn't even do anything for me. Plus, one of my relatives was an Alcoholic. 

On a few of those nights I did something that I hoped I would never do. I smoked some of my friends' cigarettes. I don't even know why I wanted to. I think part of it is just the fact that I'm constantly around smokers. Smoking is horrible for you, though. It causes all types of cancer and can cause a fucking heart attack, gives you gross breath and teeth and skin, makes you generally colder, and you lose your sense of taste. WTF. Also, what's strange is that a year ago, if I had met someone and then found out they smoked, I wouldn't like them as much. 

I feel like a Hypocrite. And what's worse, I think I have an oral fixation.

I can't stop thinking about this one thing. It's seriously making me annoyed and sad and it's not even worth my time, but you know you can't help how you feel. I just keep telling myself that things will be good and things will get better.

My mom dropped off some stuff for me yesterday. I had forgotten some clothes at home and I needed some money and some water bottles. Along with all of that, she packed in there about 20 protein bars. I'm a Vegetarian and I think that worries her.

It's almost Noon now, and I'm still in bed. I tried to find a good excuse for why I shouldn't go to Art History this morning, because you know, I have a horribly huge conscience. I told myself that it was because I needed rest and I had a stomach ache. Well, I didn't then, but I do now, and it sucks. 

I should really get dressed now and start working on my Surface project. Chris Garneau is so soothing, though.  

I do, I take care of the love

Cause red rockets fly if you don't

I'm always gonna worry about this

But you tell me, it's okay, Chris

I can't tell you why babies cry

But lies they won't keep us alive, no

I hope you don't go away

I still have some nice things to do and say 

Like we're a dime in a well

They're hard to find 

I'm chewing on my iPod headphones now. I really want a cigarette. Damnit. 

Just ten more minutes, then I'll get up and start my day. Who is this person I'm becoming? I'll at least eat a protein bar for my mom. 

Maybe I can fight these cravings.

Conoscenza.

I forgot how much I actually enjoy learning. Haha, that sounds sort of stupid, but it's true. For the past month, I've put off reading this book for my FI class. I guess because it's hard for me to start books, especially on Winter break. Anyways, I started the book and have been reading all day, not typically something I'd want to spend my whole day on, but I realized that I don't quite mind it at all. 

Ever since grade school, my two favorite subjects have been English and History. I've always been interested in learning about literature and things of the past. And just recently, I've noticed that I've started to forget some of the stuff I learned in high school, and although that's completely natural, it sort of bothers me. I don't like for people to be talking about something and not know what the hell they're talking about. 

So, I've decided that I'm going to keep up with history and literature in the sense that I'm going to try to always be reading something. I started reading Love In the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez this past summer. I really enjoyed it, but for some reason, I never finished it. I think I'm going to do that, and then I'll need another book to read. I'm open to any suggestions, if you know of something I'd might enjoy. 

The other night, I went to the movies with my friend and paid $7.50 to see Yes Man. (Not a bad movie, but not worth that much). Anyways, In the movie, Jim Carry plays a guy named Carl and there's a scene where he's involved with the police. He's sitting there and the police ask him his name, and he replies. Their reply is something along these lines:

POPO 1: "Carl, huh?"

POPO 2: "Yeah, we once knew another Carl." 

POPO 1: (Looks to other cop) "Yeah, didn't like him very much though, did we?"

POPO 2: "Nope, didn't like him much at all. His name was Marx."

I, of course, burst into laughter, because I find pretty much everything funny anyways. But I was the only one in the theater laughing. I really hope that it was just because people didn't find it funny and not that they didn't get the Karl Marx reference. 

 

Imparare la vostra storia e vi sara sempre saggio. 

Learn your history and you'll be forever wise. 

Holy Shit.

Sometimes I forget how amazing artists are until I really listen to their lyrics and think of the purpose behind the song, and the emotion that goes with it.  Just last night, I remembered about this artist J.Tillman who I used to listen to a lot awhile back. He sort of reminds me of Songs:Ohia. If you're not used to music like his, it might take you awhile to appreciate his sound, but he's worth checking out. I hear now he's apart of the band Fleet Foxes, which is sorta cool. 

Normally, this sort of post would show up in my Interests blog, but I don't feel like posting it there. Anyways, here are the lyrics to the song and I'm posting a link to The Hype Machine where you can listen to it and maybe download it, if you would like. 

My Waking Days

At night I have dreams of how it will be

People look the same and say what they mean

*whistling*

In the back of my mind I know nothing will change

Wish that kept me from going but I go on the same

*whistling*

Oh, does anyone honestly love more than their own voice?

It's taken me all my waking days to see how easy men forget their steps

*clears throat*

Well I'd rather be poor failed and undone

Than to live for the words of golden tongues

*whistling*

Oh, does anyone honestly love more than their own voice?

It's taken me all my waking days to see how easy men forget their steps. 

Music as good as this hurts a little bit more each time you listen to it. 

Oh Nine...

Time to shine?

So, it's the new year. For about a month, the gyms will be packed and tobacco sales will probably slow down some. But we all know that New Year's Resolutions aren't something that people keep up with. That is why I decided not to specify anything as being my resolution this year, because I know I'll probably end up breaking it if I do. And as pessimistic as I may seem, it's true. 

But I do have to make some sort of changes in my life this year, otherwise I probably won't have a great year, and I need to. 

If you know me well, you are quite aware of the fact that I care about things a lot. I'm a Hypochondriac and I worry way too much. And if you don't know me, then you're probably thinking that that's a good thing you don't, right about now. 

I have told myself that there is really only one promise I can make to anyone and that is that you'll never know another girl like me, and maybe also that I'll always be there for you, no matter what. 

My friends can probably tell you about me better than I can, so I won't go into anything more about my personality. I just know that if 2009 is going to be a good year for me, then I have to make some adjustments. 

All I'm interested in right now is figuring out why my life is the way it is and how I can get over these constant disappointments. And if I can do that, then maybe I'll be headed in the right direction and 2009 will be a pretty good year for me. Guess we'll see.