On other circumstances...

- Shower every other day, train hair, conserve water

- Moisturize daily

- Procrastinate less

- Listen to more music

- Do greater

- Love better

Getting frustrated. Seriously...

- Less soda

-More regular and sparkling water

- No ice cream

- Less snacking

- Less good low carbs, more non-carby foods

- Weight lifting

- Stairs, not elevator

- More veggies

- More Vitamins

- More sleep

Starting now.

Sometimes the hustle and bustle of tumblr proves too much for me. Having said that, this is my spot to post things for myself.

Scheduling as of tomorrow:

-Record everything I eat

-Drink less soda

-Clean room regularly

-Get on normal sleeping pattern (Ha...ha)

-Drink more water

-Stretch, exercise more

-Focus, Focus, Focus

I don't ever update this blog now that I have a tumblr. But I need to get this out because I can't talk to any of my friends about this and tumblr is just far too public, so here I am. This post is for myself and I don't expect nor do I really want people to read this.

I sit here tonight, alone. Thinking about my life, I know that I have a wonderful family and great friends and I'm getting a good education, and so on and so forth. But I am not happy. I'm always worrying about something whether it be my health, how long I'm going to live for, school, my friends and whether or not I've missed out on something, or one of my biggest fears, whether or not I'm going to ever fall in love.

It's so hard sometimes being friends with my friends. It stresses me out, and I hate it because I do love them and they are great friends. But it takes effort. I feel like I can't ever just go somewhere without one of them without questioning wether or not I'm going to come back and they'll have created this new sort of bond. If I never had to worry about missing out on shit or one friend liking another more than me, then I think part of my life would be easier. But, I don't know if that will ever happen.

I feel like there is this barrier that I have between my friends and myself. Often, I feel like they don't come to me to talk to or to vent or whatever because I don't do certain things or they have done things that I can't relate to or maybe, that I'm just not as fun. And it kills me, because there's nothing more that I'd want than to have a care-free life. To have that pleasure of not worrying would be the greatest thing in the world.

What's worse is that I won't ever be that way. I am a people-pleaser. Making people happy usually makes me happy, and it has become this sort of thing where I don't even consider my happiness unless I have made sure that my friends are satisfied. I give-in all of the time. And right now I think all of this anger and repressed emotion is just slowly rising to the surface. But what can I do about it? Nothing. Because if I showed how angry I was to people, if I got in fights with my friends as much as I could, then I would not be happy. Fighting is one of my least-favorite "activities" ever because it means that someone will probably end up being unhappy with me and I don't want that. I don't mind fighting with people who I care little about or people who I know will love me unconditionally. But when it comes to my friends, I just can't bare it.

I was born a worrier and while people make fun of me for it, for worrying too much or being too much of a "mom," I can't help it. They get annoyed by it, I can tell. When I say something that they don't want to hear or when I ask too many questions about something because I'm unsure about it or concerned...What they don't know is that being this way is a curse. It's one of the worst attributes of my personality. And it sucks because it's like a disease, you can't get rid of it as much as you would love to. I am this open-minded, passionate being stuck in the body of an introverted worry-wart. I don't know how to deal with it anymore. As time goes by, I progressively worry more and more. And it gets harder to handle being around people who seem so happy, people who have someone to love and that have someone loving them back.

I'm scared. I see all of these different types of people and I wonder what it is about me that makes me un-lovable or even un-likable. It's funny, I've spent my whole life making sure other people are happy and just as I start to realize that it's making my life harder, it's already at that point where I can't just fix things. If I die young and alone or old and alone, it will just be so ironic. Being alone, it's the first thing I worry about, preventing it consumes my life, and how terrible would it be if that were my downfall?

enicoleh.tumblr.com - personal blog

whatmakesmefeel.tumblr.com - music blog

follow it or don't, it's all good.

Im a Hypochondriac.

I think that's been said at least a few times on here before.

The thing is, I've had a sort of revelation in a sense. Maybe the deal with me is that I'll spend my whole life thinking I'm sick and I have all these diseases, and as a result, I will not have lived fully because I will have spent most of my time worrying about being sick. And I'll die unsatisfied with my life, in perfect health.

Or maybe irony will strike and I'll die of a disease or cancer or something that could have been prevented but wasn't, just because I was trying to hide my Hypochondria.

I was reading some random blog post about a guy explaining his vasectomy and reasons for doing so, which was mostly to save our earth, and a thought crossed my mind.

What if our job, or test really, on earth is to see whether or not we can preserve this earth. If earth is viewed as something precious that God created, maybe our biggest test here is to do as much as we can to not fuck it up while we are living. Crazy thought, maybe. But it's still a thought.

Diagnosis.

I watched the season finale of House with my parents tonight. At the very end of the show, an old man who supposedly just had acid reflux turned out to have pancreatic cancer. Of course, the first thing to go through my mind is what? Oh, shit...I have acid reflux.

I'm a Hypochondriac. I know this, I've known this for awhile, yet it doesn't make any difference to me. I still worry knowing in the back of my mind that it's probably just me thinking too much.

I had to pick up my sister from a friends tonight. The whole way there, I thought about the simplest yet most complicated question out there - what is life about, exactly?

I did not come to any sort of conclusion; however, I do wish that the cast of House were actually real doctors. Maybe I could worry less then.

You.

I hate you for being like this. You act like I'm the one making everything weird, that I have made this situation awkward, but really it's all you. You obviously still have a problem with it all for what reason, I cannot imagine, considering you started this. You didn't have to do anything, but you did.

I wish this never happened. I wish things were back to normal, and most of all, I wish I could fucking understand you. If I could understand even one small reasoning behind all the fucking shit you do, then maybe I'd understand why you're being such a dick. You have no reason to be so cold around me, I didn't do shit to you.

Just fucking quit this. I liked you so much better before when we were friends, and honestly, I'm tired of it all. It's getting so damn old.

en-do-sym-bi-ot-ic

I found this under a tab on Erin's computer. It's a nice thing to think about, on both sides. Or at least, I think so.

“ You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there."

— Bob Marley (via megamazing) (via crazybeautiful) (via bon-bon)

Gotta love Bob.

More.

life is not what you think it is

life is something more

you wake up to the same routines

this life is such a bore

eat your breakfast

to get your protein

all this just to survive

you just want some candy

but mommy says no

eat your vegetables, honey

you must grow

go to school

to get your education

learn your abc’s and your 123’s

you’ll need this in the real world, your teacher says 

life is tough

with lots of obstacles 

but you just want to dodge them

play on the swing sets instead 

high, high, higher you go

life is not what you think it is 

life is something more 

you say yes because you can’t say no

you eat your veggies cause you’re afraid you won’t grow

don’t wanna seem stupid, so you learn what you’re taught 

dad says you won’t be successful if you don’t buy it before it’s bought

you’re taught to do what you’re told 

life’s only good if you’re gold

but life is not what you think it is

life is something more 

if you live like you’re told

it will always be a bore

Ay Wazzup?

I got into my major! You have no idea how relieved I am. Except, my cousin, who is about 50 years old, was telling me about the ID program and how intense and demanding it is, and how I will be working constantly and all of this other stuff. So, now I'm a little nervous, but at least I'm in, right? 

Bad thing about now being in my major is, I now have very little motivation to keep up with school in terms of non-art-related classes such as, FI. I have a paper due soon and although I like the topic, I can't bring myself to actually try and get this done and done well. 

2nd draft is due tomorrow. It is now 11pm and I haven't started....fuck.

Summer's almost here. I still don't have a job in line, and I really need to find one. ASAP. 

Other than that, I really have nothing else I feel like saying. I hate blog posts with no real direction. I much prefer to have one that is only about one specific thing and not just random updates of my life. Oh well, maybe next time.

Happy Easter, by the way. I haven't gone to church since Christmas, and I feel like shit. Maybe I should go to confession? 

Yeah, I think so. 

I have always known this, but for awhile I guess I forgot.

I'm an impatient person when it comes to certain things. And on many occasions, I can be quite stubborn. I get this from my dad. My mom says that in that way, we're just too much alike. Whenever we get in an argument, it lasts forever because both of us need to have the last word. And it ends up being that neither of us want to apologize because we never want to admit we're wrong, so neither of us do. We just wait it out until everything is okay again. 

Recently, I feel like at some points my stubbornness and need for things to be "my way" have annoyed some people, specifically some of my friends. And for that, I want to apologize. I'm not really sure if you read this, but regardless, I wanted to put it out there. I truly don't ever mean to cause any conflict or to be a hard ass about things, but it's just in my nature. 

Today is the anniversary for Brooks Berry's death. He and I were in a class together, but I didn't know him really well at all. He passed away three years ago, and to this day, I can remember the assembly we had in the old gym, where Mrs. Walker announced that Brooks had been taken off of life support. A huge gasp full of pain filled the space that day. The girls who were closest to him were hysterical. The once large assembly room seemed so small now, and it was as if the walls were closing in. As we sang sad church songs, my eyes filled with tears. A junior in high school, gone. 

I hadn't even planned on writing about Brooks today, for in all honesty, I forgot what today was. But I find it a little ironic. 

Not to be cliche or anything, but you really don't know when your last day is on this earth.  I'm not going to say that you should live each day as if it were your last. It would be great if you did, but that's just not very realistic. But I do think that it's important to try and move past the little things that are annoying to you. Yes, they make you want to scream sometimes or just walk away from everything, but at least you're alive. 

Lastly, to all of my friends, I want you to know, I'm sorry for some of the things I do or say or don't do or say. I'm sure I can piss you off sometimes. But I want you to all remember that, I'll always be by your side, even when you're down and out, and I for real mean that from the bottom of my heart. 

Dazed.

You know how sometimes you see something and you get this instant bad feeling, as if you just got punched in the stomach or as if your heart is literally just breaking in half, and afterwards, you're just in this daze where you just can't listen to anyone and don't want to talk....well, I felt that earlier today. And no, it was not because of portfolios, though I wish it had been. 

I can't even word this well. But I feel like, in my life, I have gotten this feeling a lot. I was hoping that maybe it would just not happen anymore. I guess that's not the case, though. Maybe if it happens enough, I'll just become numb to it all and eventually, the feeling will just pass and it won't phase me as much. 

For today, though, it's sticking with me. I have a really hard art history test tomorrow and I know nothing. I can't concentrate. This is the first time this semester that I'm going to study on my own, and it sucks for more than one reason. 

I need to study with someone. I need to get an A. I need to get my life together. And I really just need to somehow, not feel this way. Or maybe it'd be better if I could just not feel at all.

Love is not for me, I promise. 

I really do think sad songs were made for me. 

Earth vs. Global Warming

EARTH

Go to that website, watch the video, and simply, vote for Earth. 

On March 28th, all you have to do, is turn off your light switch for one hour from 8:30-9:30 pm!

Carrots.

you kind of make me want to

shut your mouth just to keep out

all of those unfriendly feelings 

just because you've got 

a lot of wax 

and all those first editions 

i want you to know

sticks and stones may

break my bones

but words will never hurt me

all i need to know

i knew so early

it's so lame that

you could take my feelings

and make yourself feel 

like you're better than 

anyone else who hasn't heard

listen in between your notes

there's something been going on

while you were busy taking notes

and look in between your moments

there's something good happening

it's good to sometimes

slow it down 

Panda Bear knows what's up. 

Marc Jacobs.

Marc Jacobs launched these tees last year for cancer awareness month. They're now selling for $35. I want one. 

Truthfully...

I really hate it when people say that they don't regret anything or that they just "live life with no regrets." 

I don't understand how that is possible. Thinking back at some things that have occurred in my life, some of the choices I've made, there are very few times where I would do the same thing again if I got the chance. 

I always think that if only I could go back and do this instead, things would be different or better. 

I always tell myself that I'll start being like those people who do live without regrets. But in all honesty, I am never going to be able to do that. I couldn't even pretend. 

I realize that people come and go out of your life for a reason. I get that people leave your life, move on, and don't come back. I understand all of that.

But I still don't like it.

Lately.

So Spring Break is in a few days. Really excited to just not have class and projects to worry about. Though, I will need to do some serious work in terms of art and shit for my portfolio. 

That's really the only thing I'm concerned about right now. Applying to my major. Hopefully things will all go well. 

I'm not really a "spur-of-the-moment" type of person. I like my order for the most part, with some few exceptions. Last week, though I decided to screw school and go on a road trip for a few days with some friends. So glad I did, despite the fact that JMU does not have good parties. Sorry Cullen. 

Anyways. I'm going to NYC sometime over Spring Break. Stoked for that. It's been almost a year since I was last there and it's about time that I go back. Really cool city. 

Not long after break, I'll be out of school, and back at home for three months. Bummer. Hopefully, I'll get a job in the fan and will be taking some classes at VCU so I don't have to deal with that shit later. 

Things I need:

Mac Charger

New phone  (Which I don't want because my current one is fucking awesome) 

Road bike

Money

Clothes (I have none anymore...buy me some) 

Mully told me about a sweet site to download music off of:

http://www.sadsteve.com

Do it. It's pretty legit. 

P.S. Lyrics as a Facebook status don't necessarily mean what it may seem to suggest. Could be that I just like the song. I mean, just saying. 

Until next time. xxxo.