Im a Hypochondriac.

I think that's been said at least a few times on here before.

The thing is, I've had a sort of revelation in a sense. Maybe the deal with me is that I'll spend my whole life thinking I'm sick and I have all these diseases, and as a result, I will not have lived fully because I will have spent most of my time worrying about being sick. And I'll die unsatisfied with my life, in perfect health.

Or maybe irony will strike and I'll die of a disease or cancer or something that could have been prevented but wasn't, just because I was trying to hide my Hypochondria.

Diagnosis.

I watched the season finale of House with my parents tonight. At the very end of the show, an old man who supposedly just had acid reflux turned out to have pancreatic cancer. Of course, the first thing to go through my mind is what? Oh, shit...I have acid reflux.

I'm a Hypochondriac. I know this, I've known this for awhile, yet it doesn't make any difference to me. I still worry knowing in the back of my mind that it's probably just me thinking too much.

I had to pick up my sister from a friends tonight. The whole way there, I thought about the simplest yet most complicated question out there - what is life about, exactly?

I did not come to any sort of conclusion; however, I do wish that the cast of House were actually real doctors. Maybe I could worry less then.

en-do-sym-bi-ot-ic

I found this under a tab on Erin's computer. It's a nice thing to think about, on both sides. Or at least, I think so.

“ You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there."

— Bob Marley (via megamazing) (via crazybeautiful) (via bon-bon)

Gotta love Bob.

More.

life is not what you think it is

life is something more

you wake up to the same routines

this life is such a bore

eat your breakfast

to get your protein

all this just to survive

you just want some candy

but mommy says no

eat your vegetables, honey

you must grow

go to school

to get your education

learn your abc’s and your 123’s

you’ll need this in the real world, your teacher says 

life is tough

with lots of obstacles 

but you just want to dodge them

play on the swing sets instead 

high, high, higher you go

life is not what you think it is 

life is something more 

you say yes because you can’t say no

you eat your veggies cause you’re afraid you won’t grow

don’t wanna seem stupid, so you learn what you’re taught 

dad says you won’t be successful if you don’t buy it before it’s bought

you’re taught to do what you’re told 

life’s only good if you’re gold

but life is not what you think it is

life is something more 

if you live like you’re told

it will always be a bore

Dazed.

You know how sometimes you see something and you get this instant bad feeling, as if you just got punched in the stomach or as if your heart is literally just breaking in half, and afterwards, you're just in this daze where you just can't listen to anyone and don't want to talk....well, I felt that earlier today. And no, it was not because of portfolios, though I wish it had been. 

I can't even word this well. But I feel like, in my life, I have gotten this feeling a lot. I was hoping that maybe it would just not happen anymore. I guess that's not the case, though. Maybe if it happens enough, I'll just become numb to it all and eventually, the feeling will just pass and it won't phase me as much. 

For today, though, it's sticking with me. I have a really hard art history test tomorrow and I know nothing. I can't concentrate. This is the first time this semester that I'm going to study on my own, and it sucks for more than one reason. 

I need to study with someone. I need to get an A. I need to get my life together. And I really just need to somehow, not feel this way. Or maybe it'd be better if I could just not feel at all.

Love is not for me, I promise. 

I really do think sad songs were made for me. 

Earth vs. Global Warming

EARTH

Go to that website, watch the video, and simply, vote for Earth. 

On March 28th, all you have to do, is turn off your light switch for one hour from 8:30-9:30 pm!

Carrots.

you kind of make me want to

shut your mouth just to keep out

all of those unfriendly feelings 

just because you've got 

a lot of wax 

and all those first editions 

i want you to know

sticks and stones may

break my bones

but words will never hurt me

all i need to know

i knew so early

it's so lame that

you could take my feelings

and make yourself feel 

like you're better than 

anyone else who hasn't heard

listen in between your notes

there's something been going on

while you were busy taking notes

and look in between your moments

there's something good happening

it's good to sometimes

slow it down 

Panda Bear knows what's up. 

I realize that people come and go out of your life for a reason. I get that people leave your life, move on, and don't come back. I understand all of that.

But I still don't like it.

Lately.

So Spring Break is in a few days. Really excited to just not have class and projects to worry about. Though, I will need to do some serious work in terms of art and shit for my portfolio. 

That's really the only thing I'm concerned about right now. Applying to my major. Hopefully things will all go well. 

I'm not really a "spur-of-the-moment" type of person. I like my order for the most part, with some few exceptions. Last week, though I decided to screw school and go on a road trip for a few days with some friends. So glad I did, despite the fact that JMU does not have good parties. Sorry Cullen. 

Anyways. I'm going to NYC sometime over Spring Break. Stoked for that. It's been almost a year since I was last there and it's about time that I go back. Really cool city. 

Not long after break, I'll be out of school, and back at home for three months. Bummer. Hopefully, I'll get a job in the fan and will be taking some classes at VCU so I don't have to deal with that shit later. 

Things I need:

Mac Charger

New phone  (Which I don't want because my current one is fucking awesome) 

Road bike

Money

Clothes (I have none anymore...buy me some) 

Mully told me about a sweet site to download music off of:

http://www.sadsteve.com

Do it. It's pretty legit. 

P.S. Lyrics as a Facebook status don't necessarily mean what it may seem to suggest. Could be that I just like the song. I mean, just saying. 

Until next time. xxxo.

Mark Twain...

was a sick ass dude. 

We would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

So true, Mr. Twain, so true. 

Currently.

My life has been consumed by all of my art classes. Lately, it's just project after project and I've barely had any time to enjoy this lovely weather we're having here in RVA. 

Speaking of Richmond, I usually don't really like Spring, but maybe that was just because I have always been stuck in the West End. I feel like from now on, Spring and I are going to be very close with each other. 

I really can't wait until I get a bike. I'm working on convincing my dad right now to buy one for me. We'll see how that goes. I can't decide on what to get, though. I know I want a single speed road bike with a men's frame, but I don't know what type of handle bars or what colors I want. I love too many, and as I've mentioned before, I suck at making decisions. 

Also, really wanting to go shopping soon. I have a little bit of money, but not much. So instead of hitting up Need or Urban like I normally would, I'll probably hit up the consignment part of Rumors. After all, I did find a Vera Wang Spring Jacket thing for $16 last time I went. Maybe I'll have good luck again next time. 

I skipped Art History this morning. Well, really, I just slept through my alarm. Had a long chat with a friend last night and ended up staying up til 3 a.m. So, I guess I was just tired. This is a one time thing, though. Even though we've only been in school for a month now, I already get the feeling that I'm going to get better grades this semester. 

One worry in my mind, though ---- portfolios! 

So stressful and I really don't have enough work to put in it, or really, just not enough perspective drawings.

I've decided to apply to three majors: Interior Design, Sculpture and Extended Media, and Craft and Material Studies. If I get into Interior Design, I'm going to pick that. I've always had an interest in it and it's an almost guaranteed job. That's a win win if you ask me. 

Things I need to do:

1. Start going to the gym.

2. Stop procrastinating.

3. Find a place to live next year.

4. Find new music to listen to!!

5. Convince someone to buy me a ticket to see Morrissey in March.

6. Convince myself to go see Girl Talk at Tech instead of attending class. 

Panic.

I promised myself that I wouldn't think about 2012 and the end of the world.

BUT, it's sort of hard not to when there are fucking ads all over Myspace about preparing for the end of the world. WTF. 

It reads:

"How would the governments of our planet prepare six billion people for the end of the world? They wouldn't. Survive 2012. Enter the lottery at TheIHC.com"

IHC = Institute for Human Continuity 

I think I'm about to have a panic attack. Not joking.

Oh Nine...

Time to shine?

So, it's the new year. For about a month, the gyms will be packed and tobacco sales will probably slow down some. But we all know that New Year's Resolutions aren't something that people keep up with. That is why I decided not to specify anything as being my resolution this year, because I know I'll probably end up breaking it if I do. And as pessimistic as I may seem, it's true. 

But I do have to make some sort of changes in my life this year, otherwise I probably won't have a great year, and I need to. 

If you know me well, you are quite aware of the fact that I care about things a lot. I'm a Hypochondriac and I worry way too much. And if you don't know me, then you're probably thinking that that's a good thing you don't, right about now. 

I have told myself that there is really only one promise I can make to anyone and that is that you'll never know another girl like me, and maybe also that I'll always be there for you, no matter what. 

My friends can probably tell you about me better than I can, so I won't go into anything more about my personality. I just know that if 2009 is going to be a good year for me, then I have to make some adjustments. 

All I'm interested in right now is figuring out why my life is the way it is and how I can get over these constant disappointments. And if I can do that, then maybe I'll be headed in the right direction and 2009 will be a pretty good year for me. Guess we'll see. 

Wishful Thinker.

I used to fantasize about how my life would turn out. Being a very visual person, I'd get these images in my head that were so real, it was almost weird.

In 7th grade, I was obsessed with a band called O*Town....don't laugh. I know. Anyways, my favorite band member was Ashley Angel. I loved everything about him, and I'd often draw pictures of him, as any 13 year-old girl would do. I'd fantasize how we'd be married and how we'd drive around town together in his red convertible. We'd pick up my siblings from school and everyone would stare, in awe of both of us.

That phase lasted awhile, but when I got to high school, I moved on. I'd still fantasized about how I would marry someone famous like Ryan Gosling or Adam Brody and live happily in a huge mansion in New York or LA. I'd think of how I would attend red carpet events and own my own shop that would have customers like Rachel McAdams and the Olsen twins. It was such a wonderful waste of my time.

The summer going into 10th grade, I started getting really into watching baseball. My dad has always loved the Braves and so I decided that I'd be like him and get really into the game. Coincidentally, the year I got into the game was the same season Jeff Francoeur came into play. At the time, Jeff was a big shot. He could throw a ball from outfield to home plate in time to get the other team out. He was amazing at baseball and I also happened to find him quite attractive. This made my reason for keeping up with the game even greater. I imagined marrying him and being able to go to all the games free. It was great, haha. The Braves had a really good season that year, but after that, they sort of went downhill, and so did my interest in keeping up with them.

As I got older, my fantasies became less and less. I didn't really have a reason to continue with them, because nothing I ever fantasized about was anything that would come anywhere near close to fruition, and I never got what I wanted...with anything. Plus, they were all pretty ridiculous.

It's weird if you think about life on a whole. Reality can be so bad that we create these alternate mindsets so we can have hope for the future. We use these thoughts as quick highs. Something makes us mad or sad or frustrated, so we leave reality for a moment, so we can feel something better for awhile. And so you think, yeah, dreams are dreams for a reason and so are fantasies. So why do we do it? In knowing that they don't necessarily come true, why do we put our emotions on the line for this quick burst of happiness? Shouldn't we just deal with reality as it is?

A part of me wants to say that they are a waste of time because I have started to disregard my dreams lately. They just make you even more vulnerable and in turn, you get hurt more. But then if I think about it, I don't think I could be happy if I didn't have some sort of ridiculous dream to get me through the day. I'm so used to not getting what I want, that it doesn't even matter anymore. To me now, fantasies and dreams are just fun things to think and laugh about. You get hooked on them for awhile, then you move on. It's just sorta how life is, I think.

Maybe it's just me, though. Maybe I'm just a wishful thinker.

Running on Repeat.

My days are perpetual. I follow generally the same schedule every day. I wake up, go to class, eat, go to the studio, go to class again, and then go back to my dorm or go to the gym. And on the weekends, it's not much different. My days are usually spent in the studio and my nights are often consumed with parties. It's not bad, doing that. It's better than what I was doing the beginning of the year when I spent the majority of my time in my dorm. In that sense, it's a lot better. But this is all just getting a little old.

Maybe it's because finals are this week and I'm just really anxious. Maybe all I need is Winter break and when I come back, I'll feel differently. Or maybe, I need to make some changes. My friend, Molly, told me about one of her assignments for her Surface class. Each student had to demonstrate to the class something they were good at. And even though I'm not in her class, I couldn't help but think, like...fuck. What would I have done if that were me? I don't have any special talents that I could show to a bunch of people.

I thought about that a lot.

I thought about knitting....for a second. Then, I realized I probably don't remember how to knit anymore, plus I wasn't too good at it to begin with. I can't play an instrument. I suck at card games and am in no ways, a magician. I could cook? But I'm not really good at that either. I was at a loss.

After really thinking about it, I realized that the only thing I was good at, was art. And it's not like I could show that to the class because, duh...everyone in AFO is good at art, that's why we're all here.

But anyways, with the near year comes the traditional "New Year's Resolution." You know, those things people promise to do but never follow through with. Well, for 2009, I have decided that mine will be to find a hobby, start doing something accountable for. So that if I do get Molly's teacher for Surface, I will have something to show.

Whether or not this will actually work fully depends on what sort of hobby I try and take up. Who knows what'll happen, but I'm definitely going to make an effort.

Existing.

"Keep calm and carry on."

As I was looking at all of the art at the Donations For Creations event on Saturday, a print with these words on it caught my eye. I think that this was exactly what I needed to see. I've kept this phrase in my mind since then just hoping that I can live by those words.

There are so many things in my life right now that I am not happy with. I've never really had the comfort of being fully content with myself. I'm not going to go into everything, I'd be here for a whole fucking day if I did. And also, I just don't want to be a little bitch and complain about it. I've done that too much and I feel like that gets you nowhere.

I just want to be happy. I want clarity. How to really come about that, however, is still unknown to me. I'm trying to forget about the things that make me unhappy, especially the things that have made me feel depressed lately.

I can't get contained in all of this, though. So, I'll keep this in my mind.

Keep calm and carry on.
Keep calm and carry on.
Keep calm and carry on.

It'll all soon be okay.